You’ve likely heard of attachment styles. A bit less than 60% of adults tend toward secure attachment according to original research on attachment. The remaining 40% or so tend toward insecure attachment styles including anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (disorganized). I won’t delve into the various attachment styles here, as plenty has been written on the subject elsewhere (a thorough overview can be found here and you might want to check out the popular book, Attached.)
Whether or not you are familiar with attachment styles, how often have you thought about building a secure attachment with yourself?
Can you imagine:
- A relationship with someone who does their best to learn what you need and give it to you as often as possible?
- A relationship with someone who does their best to never cross your boundaries or make you feel unsafe in any way?
- A relationship with someone who will always be there for you and who has your best interest at heart, even when you make a mistake?
Even if you don’t have a single relationship in your life that fits those criteria right now, as a lot of people don’t, you can become that person for you, and you can start anytime.
Often the idea of becoming your own secure attachment person can be upsetting for betrayal trauma survivors because it can feel like they have had to take care of themselves their whole life, and they just want someone else to do it for once. This is certainly understandable, and we all need caring, reciprocal relationships. It’s important to keep in mind though, that the more you learn to be your own home base/secure attachment person, the easier it will become to form the types of relationships that you long for with others.
Becoming your own home base/secure attachment person is not a replacement for intimacy with others, but is itself a part of being able to recognize, pursue, and contribute to healthy intimacy.
These little eggs will thrive as long as their needs and boundaries are consistently cared for and tended to. We humans are the same way!
This week's belonging reminder:
Building a secure attachment with yourself is about learning what your tea and honey is and how to bring it to yourself.
This week's practice suggestion:
How do you become your own secure attachment person? We will spend the next couple of weeks looking at this question.
Let’s start by getting a brief sense of your relationship with yourself as it is right now.
Please give yourself a rating using the following scale for each of the questions:
0 --------------------1--------------------2--------------------3--------------------4
Not A little Somewhat Very much Completely
at all like me like me like me like me
like me
1. I usually know what I need
2. I try to give myself what I need whenever possible
3. I usually recognize my boundaries
4. I try my best not to put myself in situations that cross my boundaries
5. I try to be kind and caring with myself when I make a mistake
6. I don’t give up on myself
The higher the score, the more secure your attachment with yourself is likely to be.
After tallying your score, take a look at which of these two combinations is the highest for you: 1+2, 3+4, or 5+6. If 1+2 is your highest score you have a strength in the area of taking care of your needs. If 3+4 is highest, you have a strength in the area of taking care of your boundaries. If 5+6 is the highest, you have a strength in the area of being there for yourself.
This week, focus on your strongest area (if it’s a tie, choose whichever one you want). Catch yourself when you are taking action in the area of your strength and give yourself credit for it. Focusing your attention on times when you are already practicing secure attachment with yourself strengthens your sense of yourself as a secure home base.
If all your scores were zero, that is also just fine. But go ahead and give yourself a “1” on number 6, “I don’t give up on myself” because you got all the way to the end of this post! Then look for other ways you don’t give up on yourself throughout the next week.
Until next time. :)