As a betrayal trauma survivor, you’ve likely had the urge to give up on yourself many times.
You inherited this urge to give up on yourself from the betrayal trauma you experienced. It’s not your fault that you sometimes or often want to give up on yourself, but you do have the power to change it.
- How does betrayal trauma train you to give up on yourself?
Because the perpetrator of betrayal trauma is someone you needed or trusted, your subconscious mind kept your relationship with them intact by shutting down your own feelings, intuition, and/or needs. If you shut down your feelings, intuition, and/or needs over and over, eventually shutting yourself down becomes a habit. Without your feelings, intuition, and/or needs, life can be lonely, scary, and confusing, and it can make you believe that you need someone else to tell you how to live your life or it is impossible for you to be happy.
Building a secure attachment with yourself is about reconnecting to your feelings, intuition, and needs.
The best place to start is by making a commitment to never give up on yourself, no matter what.
- What does it mean to never give up on yourself?
To never give up on yourself means to commit to visiting yourself a little bit every day. It means to notice when you have abandoned yourself and to always come back to you. It means doing this over and over and over, until it becomes second nature.
When you first commit to building a secure attachment with yourself, it may feel like nothing is happening for a while. But if you stay the course and don’t give up, you will find a deep and lasting place of belonging inside you.
This week's belonging reminder:
Instructions on Not Giving Up
More than the fuchsia funnels breaking out
of the crabapple tree, more than the neighbor’s
almost obscene display of cherry limbs shoving
their cotton candy-colored blossoms to the slate
sky of Spring rains, it’s the greening of the trees
that really gets to me. When all the shock of white
and taffy, the world’s baubles and trinkets, leave
the pavement strewn with the confetti of aftermath,
the leaves come. Patient, plodding, a green skin
growing over whatever winter did to us, a return
to the strange idea of continuous living despite
the mess of us, the hurt, the empty. Fine then,
I’ll take it, the tree seems to say, a new slick leaf
unfurling like a fist to an open palm, I’ll take it all.
- Ada Limón
This week's practice suggestion:
Take a look at this list and write down the three things on the list that you most want for yourself. Don’t overthink it, just go with your initial gut feeling:
- I want to experience joy
- I want to feel like I belong
- I want to know when to say “yes” and when to say “no”
- I want to trust myself
- I want to know when to trust other people
- I want to do things I want to do without feeling guilty
- I want to experience pleasure
- I want to build connections with people who are good for me to be around
- I want more ease in my life
- I want to let go of worry about what other people think of me
- I want to know there is nothing wrong with me
- I want to live with my whole heart
- I want to speak up for myself
- I want to do what I feel is right, even when it is hard
- I want to take chances and move toward my dreams
- I want clarity about who I am and what my life is about
- I want to believe in myself
- I want to believe it when people say nice things to me
- I want to own my gifts
- I want to be my own best friend
- I want to express love more easily
- I want to feel love more easily
- I want to experience life as an adventure
- I want to become more playful
- I want to value my life
- I want to live a life that is uniquely mine
- I want to survive difficult situations without shutting down or collapsing
- I want to experience more wonder
- I want to feel held
- I want to feel understood
- I want to know I am loved
- I want to know my competence
- I want to know my strength
- I want to know how to relate to people who I don’t entirely trust
- I want to invite in healthy intimacy
- I want to let go of unhealthy attachments
- I want peace
Now imagine a thread that is made of these three intentions and that you can hold onto and follow no matter what.
Fill in the blanks to create your thread:
I follow the thread of ________, __________, and _____________.
For example, if the three things I want from the list are these three:
- I want to feel like I belong
- I want to know when to say “yes” and when to say “no”
- I want to trust myself
My thread would look something like this:
I follow the thread of belonging, recognizing my “yeses and nos,” and self-trust.
Once you have written your thread, it’s time to commit to it. You can do so by saying the following pledge out loud:
I follow the thread of ________, __________, and _____________.
I pledge to commit to my thread, and to re-commit every time I catch myself doubting it, losing hope in it, or forgetting about it. I hold onto the thread even, and especially, when it feels like nothing is changing. I hold onto the thread even, and especially when, other people seem to want me to abandon it. I take the leap of faith and continue to trust my thread. I pledge to do this with as much kindness to myself as possible.
Read your thread and your pledge to yourself each day for the next week.
Until next time. :)