Narcissistic abuse thrives in silence. We need to talk about it.
If you have experienced this type abuse but have never learned much about it, this post may be challenging to read. Although I do link to various resources at the end of the post, I recommend making sure you are reading this at a time when you have some space in your day to take care of yourself. If that time is not now, the post will be here for you to return to and read whenever you are ready.
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Not all betrayal trauma survivors have experienced narcissistic abuse. Betrayal trauma is often perpetrated by folks with anger management issues, or who act out when under the influence of drugs or alcohol, for example. These situations are not necessarily less harmful than narcissistic abuse, but narcissistic abuse follows a particular pattern that requires awareness in order to notice it, protect yourself from it, and reclaim yourself. This post may or may not apply to your experiences, but I hope that either way it provides you some information that will keep you from getting entangled in a dynamic with someone prone to perpetrating narcissistic abuse.
Educating yourself about narcissistic abuse helps you to gain clarity about where you end and someone who is causing you harm begins. It helps you to remove the bad feelings caused by the abuse from inside you so that you begin to see and feel that the bad feeling is not you, but rather information about something bad that is or has been happening in your life.
So, how do you recognize if you have experienced narcissistic abuse? Although there are common feelings that go along with living through narcissistic abuse including feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, shame, and dissociation or disconnection from yourself, the easiest way to determine whether someone is narcissistically abusing you, is to pay attention to what they are doing.
Much has been written about the typical pattern of a narcissistic abuser, which can be broken down into three phases. In phase one, the abuser comes on strong in the beginning, also known as idealizing you or lovebombing you. In this phase, the abuser is in contact with you all the time and starts to seemingly anticipate your needs and desires and fulfill them without you ever having asked for that. Lovebombing isn’t necessarily romantic in nature. Your boss could lovebomb you, for example, by saying things like, “I’ve never had an employee like you before,” or otherwise making you feel special or different from everyone else. If a new relationship, or a major change in a relationship feels too good to be true, you might want to make are you are not dealing with a lovebomber.
The second phase of narcissistic abuse is known as the devaluation phase. In this phase, some of the initial lovebombing may still be happening, but it is happening less often, and likely at strategic times when you are behaving in a way that pleases the person. For example, you may only receive some of the initial love and care in this phase after you clean the perpetrator’s house, give them money, or make them feel however they want to feel that day. Outside of the lovebombing, the perpetrator in this phase starts criticizing you perhaps subtly or perhaps downright callously. You likely start questioning yourself in this phase to try to figure out what you started doing to deserve the change in treatment (hint: it’s not you, it’s them). Meanwhile, because you are being rewarded with lovebombing when you behave the way the perpetrator wants you to behave, a dynamic in which they have power over your life is being established.
The third phase is known as the discard phase. At this point, the perpetrator has moved onto other targets or they have left because you caught onto the pattern and started standing up for yourself. This can be an extremely difficult and painful time because the perpetrator often abruptly disappears from your life as quickly as they entered it, leaving you reeling from the loss of a partner, best friend, family member, or work relationship that was really important to you even though it was so unhealthy.
The phases of narcissistic abuse often repeat themselves and there is even a term for when the abuser re-enters your life after a discard. It is called hoovering and it is named after a popular brand of vacuum cleaners. That is because when the narcissistic abuser reenters your life, it is so easy to get sucked away from yourself and into the abusive dynamic once again.
If you are not familiar with the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and are wondering whether this is something you have experienced or are currently experiencing, it can be overwhelming to consider what to do with this information. The good news is that there are all sorts of resources our there from meetup groups to books to YouTube videos.
Here are some recommended resources for further learning and healing:
Books:
Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
Power: Surviving and Thriving after Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi
Out of the Fog: Moving from Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse by Dana Morningstar
Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim your Whole, Authentic Self by Dr. Thema Bryant
Podcasts:
Homecoming with Dr. Thema
Support Groups:
Search for Narcissistic Abuse support groups through Meetup.com, Psychology Today, or a simple Google search. There are groups all over the United States and the world. Keep searching until you find a group where you feel like you can be most at ease in yourself.
When choosing a group, make sure you attend to whether you feel like all your identities are affirmed. For example, if you identify at LGBTQ+, BIPOC, and/or disabled, make sure to ask the facilitator or organizer questions about their experiences supporting folks holding your identities. This is also important if you decide to work with a therapist to focus on healing narcissistic abuse
Your own path and your own light are always right there waiting for you.
This week's belonging reminder:
In this podcast episode, Dr. Thema talks about coming home to yourself after narcissistic abuse.
This week's practice suggestion:
Listen to the episode and choose one of the following areas of healing to focus on this week:
- Self-forgiveness
- Restoring your identity
- Exploring your complicated feelings
- Recognizing authentically kind relationships
- Breaking the silence
- Honoring your boundaries
- Discovering what you enjoy
- Learning to be proud of yourself
Find a way to just dip a toe into the practice the area you chose to focus on this week. For example, if you chose breaking the silence you might tell a trusted friend something like, “I haven’t always been treated well.” If you chose exploring your complicated feelings, you might breathe into your heart for a few breaths and then journal what feelings you notice for 5 minutes. If you chose honoring your boundaries you might wait an extra hour to respond to someone when your spidey sense is telling you that the interaction doesn’t feel good.
If you have not experienced narcissistic abuse, many of the above focus areas are relevant to healing all forms of betrayal trauma. Choose one that is relevant to you.
You are welcome to expand on your initial small practice, but start small. That way you can make sure not to push yourself faster or farther than you are ready for.
Until next time. :)