Feeling lonely is a normal part of life, and in fact, is becoming more and more common with the isolation of the pandemic and living in a digital age.
Betrayal trauma can make it hard to recognize when you feel lonely because loneliness is so often mixed with, or masked by feelings of shame. This could be for a lot of different reasons. You might have learned to pair loneliness with shame when a caregiver repeatedly gave you the silent treatment when they were upset. Or you may have connected loneliness with shame over time as you felt lonely in an abusive relationship and never talked about it with anyone.
Shame thrives in silence, so the more you have endured loneliness without talking to anyone or receiving love, the more your loneliness has likely turned to shame. Again, this doesn’t mean you don’t belong. It just means the needs of the loneliness haven’t been heard.
What does loneliness feel like?
If you take a look at this emotion map created by researchers in Finland, you can see that emotions are connected to all sorts of different body states. Loneliness, like all emotions, feels a little different to everyone, but generally, it tends to live mostly in the heart area. It can feel like a heaviness and/or a burning sensation, which makes sense from a poetic perspective too, as loneliness is like a heart’s longing for connection.
Although we most often think of loneliness as a feeling of longing for connection with other people, feelings of loneliness may be just as comforted at times by connection with art, nature, poetry, music, spirituality, animals, or anything that speaks to your heart.
When connecting with other people is not an option in the moment, there are many many ways of remembering your belonging and comforting loneliness.
This week's belonging reminder:
I have never met a heavy heart that wasn’t a phone booth with a red cape inside.
- Andrea Gibson
This week's practice suggestion:
One way to practice keeping your heart company when you feel lonely is by listening to familiar music. In fact, Recent research shows that listening to music may ease loneliness. You can use the same instructions the author used in the research study:
Please, choose music from your library that you would turn to when you are looking for comfort.
This can be pieces that feel like an understanding friend and that make you feel accepted and emotionally supported.
Allow yourself to connect with your emotions and feel comforted while tuning in with the music.
I would add that you may wish to put a hand or a hot water bottle on your heart as you listen, reminding your heart that you are here to keep it company. <3