Coming fully into awareness of betrayal trauma and facing the grief is an enormous milestone toward living a life that is fully yours. If you are going through this right now, please know that you are in good company as countless others are in the same place, and countless others have been there.
You might feel okay sometimes, even relieved, and free. Other times, the grief may be overwhelming and feel like it will never get better. It will.
Awareness of betrayal trauma is sort of like being in a revolving door that is moving in slow motion.
While the relationship with the perpetrator is ongoing, you spend most of your time inside the building. Maybe you see the comfortable and glamorous hotel lobby and have a sense of familiarity and comfort with what is inside.
Every once in a while, you get a peek at the world outside. Maybe the perpetrator says something cruel that you have no way of making sense of other than the fact that they are capable of cruelty.
This is the first moment of grief as a betrayal trauma survivor, but the door often keeps turning until you forget that clearer vantage point and everything inside once again feel familiar and inviting.
If you are leaving or have left a relationship involving betrayal trauma, you have more than likely had countless moments of grief each time something was strong enough to break through your bond with the abusive person.
If you are reading this post, you have arrived at a place of being able to stand fully outside the building, walk down the street, notice that the hotel was dilapidated or maybe even just an illusion of a hotel on an empty lot.
If so, you are feeling a particular kind of grief unlike anything that comes from losing someone who was consistently kind, or non-abusive to you.
You are facing up to five kinds of grief as the betrayal trauma comes fully into the light:
1. The grief of losing the person you thought you knew
The perpetrator of betrayal trauma, by definition, has betrayed your trust in a traumatic way. That means that once the betrayal trauma has come fully into the light, you are left to contend with the fact that much of your relationship, and this person, in hindsight, are not what they seemed.
2. The grief of losing the person as they actually are
Perpetrators of betrayal trauma can sometimes be fun, interesting, passionate people. They are often people who are good at making things happen and getting things done. You may feel a sense of loss of the good parts of the person or the relationship.
If you are someone who has a high degree of empathy, which is common among betrayal trauma survivors, you may feel empathy for the part of the perpetrator that was wounded, and so learned to wound others. You may also be grieving from letting go of the desire to make the perpetrator happy, knowing that something may have hurt them early in their life.
3. The grief of lost innocence
If you are fully recognizing betrayal trauma for the first time, this may be the first time you realize that people are sometimes capable of manipulative and often callous behavior. In addition to the grief of losing an important relationship, this is an existential grief that can turn the world on its head for the time being.
4. The grief of realizing what you have been going through
Betrayal trauma is different from other traumas like a car accident or natural disaster that are immediately obvious traumas. Betrayal trauma, especially when it has gone on for a long time, occurs in a private and often secretive bubble without witnesses who can immediately come to your side and say, “Hey, I see things are not okay here. How can I support you?” You may feel waves of sadness for enduring so much for so long, and for telling yourself it was no big deal.
5. The grief of losing friends, family members, and relationships with other people in your life who don’t believe you
Again, because betrayal trauma often occurs in private and doesn’t always leave scars, coming fully into awareness can sometimes mean walking away alone, or with one or two trusted people.
So now what?
The grief of betrayal trauma coming fully into the light can feel like the end of the world, and in a way, it is. It is the beginning of the end of a world in which you are not being treated with kindness, reliability, and care.
The most important question to ask yourself when grieving betrayal trauma is, “How can I be kind to myself today?”
A young pink trillium comes into the sunlight- The rain of grief brings the first signs of spring.
This week's belonging reminder:
I always get to where I’m going by walking away from where I have been.
—Winnie the Pooh
This week's practice suggestion:
If you are grieving a relationship involving betrayal trauma, that means you have already come a long, long way toward living a life of ease within yourself. At this point, it is tempting to doubt yourself, or second-guess yourself. This gives your mind something to do to try to bypass the grief, but it doesn’t work because the reality is that the relationship was harmful to you.
The most important thing to focus on right now is this question:
How can I be kind to myself right now?
Because grief looks so different for each person and even within each person depending on the day, it is important to sit with the question until you come up with one thing that feels kind to yourself right now. Here is a very small sample list to help give you some ideas, but there is no need to limit the answer to this list.
Ways to be kind to yourself on your own if you have space and privacy
- Listen to an empowering song
- Scream into your pillow
- Walk in the forest
- Listen to a sad song and feel your feelings
- Watch a comforting show or movie
- Read a comforting book
- Take a bath and let the bathtub hold you
- Lie down in the grass
- Take a cold shower (if feeling very overwhelmed)
- Do some journaling
- Make art
- Write a goodbye letter to the perpetrator (and don’t send it)
- Make yourself a yummy meal or order yummy take-out
- Take a nap
- Find a guided meditation online on grief, or anger, or sadness, or longing, or whatever you are feeling
Ways to be kind to yourself involving others, when possible:
- Talk to a trusted friend
- Reach out to a therapist or support group
- Spend time with a pet
- Attend a meet-up and do something you enjoy in community
- Reach out to your sponsor, if you have one
- Connect with these domestic violence resources if you have any concern about your safety.
Ways to be kind to yourself when you do not have much space or privacy:
- Put a small stone, or acorn in your pocket and remember something important to you every time you touch it. For example, it could remind you that you are worth treating with kindness.
- Recite a line from a favorite poem or prayer to yourself
- Breathe deeply into your belly
- Pay attention to whichever of your 5 senses is the most pleasing to you. For example, look at the trees,
feel the breeze on your skin, or listen to the quiet, if possible
- Hold your own hand
See if you can find things to add to this list that are uniquely about you and what feels kind to you. Whatever you choose, the purpose is to be kind to yourself, and not to fix yourself or your feelings. Your psyche, or soul, or spirit, or however you think of it, has been through trauma and loss. It takes time and a lot of kindness to heal.